I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
