just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
