i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh god it's open bar.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
