I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
