Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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