new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
