we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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