u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
