I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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