She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
