I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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