i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
