it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
