EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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