I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize