he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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