I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
