I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
