woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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