Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
