Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
