i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
