I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Even my vagina gasped.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
