I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
