I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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