His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
