if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
