I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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