Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
