i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
