You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
