I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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