Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
