he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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