Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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