Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
