It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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