I'm really into asian looking animals
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
