You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I smell like Dick and happiness
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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