I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
