so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
