what day is it and did you see me today?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
