her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
