Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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