i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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