woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
someone owes me an orgasm
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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