i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
