I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
