you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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