hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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