So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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