I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
