My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
