Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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