Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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