it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
